Defining Motherhood
Motherhood:( v.;n.) living breathing, ever changing, and manually navigating the rollercoaster ride; one of the most exciting, tumultuous, amazing, and tiring experiences of my life!
Stepmotherhood: (also v and sometimes n) Same as above, but more heartbreaking and sometimes experienced without a seatbelt; the choice to love another’s children as if they were your own
I asked my stepson the question, “What do you think of when you hear the word mom?”. His reply was, “I think of her.” I then asked him what he thought of when he heard the word stepmom and he replied, “you.” It couldn’t be that simple, right?! But for him, it was. And yet it is so profound. A simple idea, yet packed with so much inside. It reminds me that everything I do, think, or say will reinforce to him what a step mother is (as if it isn’t hard enough countering Disney’s stereotypes!). The way I live my life, what I believe, how hard I love and how high I set my standards---- all will create his schema for stepmother. Perhaps it is that simple. It really makes me wonder about my definition…
There are so many definitions and ideas about what a mother is or should be. There are even more about the role of a stepmom and a list of duties and traits to go along with it. Yes, I am both a traditional supermom and an instant mom. The interesting piece of this story is that I was instant before I became super. This ride is just starting out for me, but already I have felt all of those emotions that wiser and more experienced moms describe: thrilling, tiring, frustrating, emotional, exciting, more tiring, pocket emptying, taxi cab driving MOMS. *sigh* I know, it may sound like I am complaining, but I love it. J
There are three different definitions of who I am as a mother—about what it means to juggle these two roles, often simultaneously. If you ask me, I am an ok mom. I mess up a lot. . I often feel weak and incompetent. There is a lot I don’t know about raising kids. I can be impatient, overwhelmed, and easily frustrated. Sometimes the dinner is not done until 8 (or 9). Sometimes I pretend I am asleep in my room, just to get some time alone (Note: this does not work with the infant!). Many times I cry at the extraordinary-ness of my kids and their accomplishments—which embarrasses them. I yell. I discipline. I can be mean. But I love each of them so much—perhaps differently, but definitely equally. Each one brings something different to my life.
If you asked my husband, he would say I am awesome. He would note that I juggle a full time job, a baby, a new marriage, two step kids, and whatever else is going on at the time. He would say that most women couldn’t live my life. He would also note that I always find activities to put the children in, push them to do their best, love them, support them, and encourage them. He thinks I am the spine and the rest of them are the muscles. OBVIOUSLY, he is an idealist.
Now the kids… oh my babies.. *sigh* They would put me somewhere between monster, drill sergeant, and teacher. I think they would say that I am mean and strict, but that I do it because I love them. They may say that they love my cooking, but not my jokes; my high standards, but not my mess. The older two would say they are VERY grateful for me giving them their little sister. The baby would just say she loves mommy—most days. <3
I guess there are so many versions of who I am as a mother because I am still trying to figure it out myself! I am constantly seeking that balance of nurturer/disciplinarian and teacher/cheerleader. I can be hard on my family—but it is because I am harder on myself. It may sound trite to others for me to say, “But there’s no manual!”. But the truth is, there isn’t.
No one told me how hard it would be to be a part of a blended family—that my heart would break daily because I cannot protect my bonus children from the dangers out there when they leave our home. No one told me how hard it would be to try and raise a daughter who is just like you, but whose DNA contains totally different pieces than yours. No one told me that little boys learn slow, irk your nerves, make messes everywhere, turn your hair gray---but can give you the best hugs. Ok, well they DID tell me some of that stuff about the boys… *wink* No one prepared me for the strength of the connection between myself and these two wonderful bonus babies. Slowly but surely I am figuring it out. Slowly but surely I am beginning to understand that although these two roles appear very different, they are still one and the same. A step mother is still a mom. And maybe all motherhood is about what you ARE, not what you’re NOT.
At the end of it all, I would have to say that there is no one way to define being a mother—or a stepmother for that matter. It can be none, or all of these—or even just some. It is confusing. It is tiring. It is hard. It takes patience. It takes practice. It takes focus and multitasking. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy and sometimes you have to be the good one. I guess my husband’s analogy best sums it up. The spine provides structural integrity, allows for movement, and enables communication throughout the entire body. It is literally the backbone of the body---holding together all these individual pieces that would otherwise fall apart. If that doesn’t define a mom, I don’t know what does.
Motherhood:( v.;n.) living breathing, ever changing, and manually navigating the rollercoaster ride; one of the most exciting, tumultuous, amazing, and tiring experiences of my life!
Stepmotherhood: (also v and sometimes n) Same as above, but more heartbreaking and sometimes experienced without a seatbelt; the choice to love another’s children as if they were your own
I asked my stepson the question, “What do you think of when you hear the word mom?”. His reply was, “I think of her.” I then asked him what he thought of when he heard the word stepmom and he replied, “you.” It couldn’t be that simple, right?! But for him, it was. And yet it is so profound. A simple idea, yet packed with so much inside. It reminds me that everything I do, think, or say will reinforce to him what a step mother is (as if it isn’t hard enough countering Disney’s stereotypes!). The way I live my life, what I believe, how hard I love and how high I set my standards---- all will create his schema for stepmother. Perhaps it is that simple. It really makes me wonder about my definition…
There are so many definitions and ideas about what a mother is or should be. There are even more about the role of a stepmom and a list of duties and traits to go along with it. Yes, I am both a traditional supermom and an instant mom. The interesting piece of this story is that I was instant before I became super. This ride is just starting out for me, but already I have felt all of those emotions that wiser and more experienced moms describe: thrilling, tiring, frustrating, emotional, exciting, more tiring, pocket emptying, taxi cab driving MOMS. *sigh* I know, it may sound like I am complaining, but I love it. J
There are three different definitions of who I am as a mother—about what it means to juggle these two roles, often simultaneously. If you ask me, I am an ok mom. I mess up a lot. . I often feel weak and incompetent. There is a lot I don’t know about raising kids. I can be impatient, overwhelmed, and easily frustrated. Sometimes the dinner is not done until 8 (or 9). Sometimes I pretend I am asleep in my room, just to get some time alone (Note: this does not work with the infant!). Many times I cry at the extraordinary-ness of my kids and their accomplishments—which embarrasses them. I yell. I discipline. I can be mean. But I love each of them so much—perhaps differently, but definitely equally. Each one brings something different to my life.
If you asked my husband, he would say I am awesome. He would note that I juggle a full time job, a baby, a new marriage, two step kids, and whatever else is going on at the time. He would say that most women couldn’t live my life. He would also note that I always find activities to put the children in, push them to do their best, love them, support them, and encourage them. He thinks I am the spine and the rest of them are the muscles. OBVIOUSLY, he is an idealist.
Now the kids… oh my babies.. *sigh* They would put me somewhere between monster, drill sergeant, and teacher. I think they would say that I am mean and strict, but that I do it because I love them. They may say that they love my cooking, but not my jokes; my high standards, but not my mess. The older two would say they are VERY grateful for me giving them their little sister. The baby would just say she loves mommy—most days. <3
I guess there are so many versions of who I am as a mother because I am still trying to figure it out myself! I am constantly seeking that balance of nurturer/disciplinarian and teacher/cheerleader. I can be hard on my family—but it is because I am harder on myself. It may sound trite to others for me to say, “But there’s no manual!”. But the truth is, there isn’t.
No one told me how hard it would be to be a part of a blended family—that my heart would break daily because I cannot protect my bonus children from the dangers out there when they leave our home. No one told me how hard it would be to try and raise a daughter who is just like you, but whose DNA contains totally different pieces than yours. No one told me that little boys learn slow, irk your nerves, make messes everywhere, turn your hair gray---but can give you the best hugs. Ok, well they DID tell me some of that stuff about the boys… *wink* No one prepared me for the strength of the connection between myself and these two wonderful bonus babies. Slowly but surely I am figuring it out. Slowly but surely I am beginning to understand that although these two roles appear very different, they are still one and the same. A step mother is still a mom. And maybe all motherhood is about what you ARE, not what you’re NOT.
At the end of it all, I would have to say that there is no one way to define being a mother—or a stepmother for that matter. It can be none, or all of these—or even just some. It is confusing. It is tiring. It is hard. It takes patience. It takes practice. It takes focus and multitasking. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy and sometimes you have to be the good one. I guess my husband’s analogy best sums it up. The spine provides structural integrity, allows for movement, and enables communication throughout the entire body. It is literally the backbone of the body---holding together all these individual pieces that would otherwise fall apart. If that doesn’t define a mom, I don’t know what does.