So far, I’ve been married for almost 7 months—6 of which I have simultaneously been trying to figure out how to be a new mom (See “Top 10 Hardest things about being a New Mom!). And it is not all glitter, hearts, and romance. Don't let these movies fool you. This thing is hard work! No one prepared me for it, so I figured I’d do others a favor and try and prep them. So here they are, in no particular order:
1. Letting your husband be the head of the household.
If you are a weak and submissive woman, this part won’t really affect you. But if you are ANY type of Black woman, this will probably e an issue at some point. Having been independent for so long in my life, it can be hard to allow my husband to be in charge. I think he is wrong sometimes. I think he moves too slow sometimes. I think he has no clue sometimes. And he can’t plan for the life of him! However, he IS the head. I am just director of operations. And I’ve noticed that things usually run smoother when I allow him to be in his natural role: less fights, less mess, less arguing. I am not saying that I am just a submissive slave. I just try to be more respectful of his role and make sure I run everything by him. Sometimes, I even let him get his way.
2. HIS FAMILY
Dum, dum, DUMMMM! The notorious and infamous In-Laws! And I am not just talking about the husband’s parents—I am talking about the husband’s FAMILY that thinks their input is somehow both important and warranted. IT’S NOT. These people can make your life a living hell, if you let them. My strategy is just to stay away and limit the amount of time I spend around them—which is almost never.
3. Raising Kids
Taking two different backgrounds, all the failures of our parents, our egos, and our personal experiences and trying to somehow blend them into some semblance of parenting—all while worrying that you may mess your kids up MORE than your parents did you…. Yeah…
4. Wifely Duties
Yes, I am talking about sex here. But I am also talking about a whole host of other wifely duties and expectations. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it. Sometimes I miss my old, easier life. Sometimes he wants too much from me. But I try and remind myself, this is what you sign up for when you decide to get married. You are to be your husband’s helpmate--- and boy are these guys needy…
5. Household Duties
To be honest, my husband does the cleaning and most of the chores. I have always been messy and I actually feel more comfortable in it (I know that sounds horrible!). But one chore I take very seriously is cooking. I love it. But oftentimes it can become a chore because of all the other things I have to do: take care of kids, lesson plans, school, catch my breath, etc. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, your husband will either cook (this has a 50% chance of being a success) or take the family out to eat. This feels sooo great! I cannot imagine adding in the responsibility of cleaning, laundry, and a host of other things. It can get intense. I have to sometimes write myself notes or set alerts on my phone to help me remember to take time to put myself first.
6. Sharing
Yeah…… Everything is OURS now instead of just mine or his. EVERYTHING. Enough said.
7. Communication
Well, I guess I can best compare this to (sometimes) trying to communicate with another species. It can be hard, at times, to try and get my point across. It is like no matter how many times I say something, he doesn’t get it. And THEN he accuses me of trying to make him a woman! Well, if by woman you mean a being of superior intellect and reasoning, why yes---I am.
8. Space
Trying to create your own space can be tough. I try and navigate through the kids stuff AND my husband’s. Sometimes it seems as there is no room for the things I want to do or buy. There definitely isn’t enough space for all of the items (mainly clothes and shoes) that I brought with me from ym “old life”. Despite the fact that I almost never go out anymore and none of my “cute” outfits fit anymore, I continue to hold on to them. Now that I think about this one, I feel bad for my husband….
9. Remembering to keep God first
Ok. I admit. Sometimes I just want to be mad. I just want to pack my bags and walk out the door—temporarily or forever. Sometimes my ego just wants to kick down chairs, throw plates, and scream bloody murder. Sometimes I don’t want to pray, or read scriptures, or work it out. But I realize that God brought us together and He is the only one who can help our marriage work. As people, we are too weak to be able to do the necessary things to help keep us afloat and on track.
10. Loving him
This is the hardest one for me. I NEVER stop loving my husband and to be honest, most days I think he is so amazing and I am lucky to have him. However, there are times when it hurts to love him. There are times when I feel like he doesn’t deserve for me to love him. There are times when I do not WANT to love him. But I believe that part of being a wife is loving your husband through all of it: through poor finances, through job loss, through fatigue and failure and anger and miscommunication and his human failings. I have to remember that sometimes it is ONLY my love that can help him to get through these things. I know, because sometimes his love is the only thing that helps me to get through my rough times.